My Crawl Space

For those of you who don't know, I broke up with my boyfriend a couple of weeks ago. This has affected me more than I would like to admit, and I have had trouble putting my feelings into words. It was a very difficult decision for me to make as at the time I still loved him very much, but I knew that the relationship just wasn't good for me anymore. After calming down a little, I can see that perhaps I had fallen out of love with him a long time ago. I was so upset and felt that I had done something wrong, that I was a dreadful person. But it became very clear to me that he didn't actually want a girlfriend. He wanted someone he could have sex with and then put down and go do something else until he got horny again.

He never supported me in anything I wanted to do, and he would get angry with me if I did anything that didn't fit into his ideal. I ended up changing the way I dressed, the way I acted and even my taste in music. If he didn't like someone, I wasn't allowed to like them, and if I stayed firm on the matter, he would become angry and volatile.

I used to try and make it so we would meet up and hang out with other people, because in public he was the perfect boyfriend. In front of other people he was sweet, and lovely and fun and said wonderful things about me. When we were alone he would ignore me to go on the internet/play computer games and only pay me attention if he wanted sex. And his idea of sex was me going down on him and then perhaps he would fuck me as an after thought.

I feel used. At worst I feel dirty. The past year it has been at its worst. He would go weeks without contacting me and I would be fretting and worrying thinking something horrible had happened. I didn't really know his uni friends, and it made him uncomfortable for me to be talking to them without him there, so I couldn't contact them and ask if he was ok. Then when he finally contacted me, he acted as if I was a silly little woman who was over-reacting. Nothing I said or did was interesting. His life was far more important. He didn't even know I had been in an accident because neither myself, nor my housemate could get in touch with him.

When he finally got in touch, he acted as if he'd never seen the messages that had been sent. When I told him what had happened, he just said. "Oh. Well so long as you're ok now." Not, "Oh god I'm so sorry, I mustn't have seen my messages." Or "What happened, are you ok?" Nothing.

The worst part is he goaded me into dumping him. I had heard nothing from him for over a month and not seen him for three. When I finally got to talking to him he was short with me and nasty. I finally just came out with it and asked if he was happy with me. And he just said "Well, I guess I don't want to lie to you about this. But no." He then went on to say that he'd felt this way for months and he couldn't tell me cause he always had to be the strong one and he didn't think I would be able to handle it. This was all done written in skype by the way. I tried to ring him to talk to him about it, but he switched his phone off and kept cancelling the call when I tried to skype call. I finally just told him that it was over. He thanked me. He actually said thank you to me for ending our relationship. It just made me feel even more worthless. Coupled with the fact that I found out a few days ago that he was cheating on me as well... yeah, I am constantly rethinking my self worth.

I am angry with myself. I am angry for putting so much emotion and effort into a man who really at the end of it all didn't give a shit about me. He tried to say that he needed to sort his head out and all the same bollocks he's been telling me for two years. But I have had enough. I'm fucking bi-polar and I manage to keep my shit together most of the time. If I fuck up I admit that I was the one who fucked up and I try to sort it out. He is a coward and a bastard and if I never see him again it will be too soon.I guess I just feel that I have wasted two years of my life. Two years I could have spent doing something worthwhile rather than chasing some kid around. He's made me feel really old and useless and ugly. I am sure I'll get over that eventually, but it's going to take a while.

To make things worse I feel like I have regressed further into myself. After this, I really can't see why anyone would want me. I gave everything I had to this man and it wasn't enough. I was practically at his beck and call, when he said jump I asked how high. I allowed him to break me down completely and rebuild me in a way that was pleasing for him. And even then I wasn't good enough.

I would like to say that I am done with men, done with relationships and I am happy on my own. The truth is, even though I know I will get used to being on my own, and I am actually honestly happier now I'm single than when I was with him, I still want someone. Not just anyone though. I fear I have become one of those people who wants the epic whirlwind romance. I want someone to be captivated by me, to want to do anything to make me happy and think I am the most wonderful, beautiful woman they have ever seen. I want the same treatment I have given others in my life.

But I know that will never happen.